Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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