He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
please don't ironically join a cult
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