the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
