I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
