I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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