I just pynch a tree in the face
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
