i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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