She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
