Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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