why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
