My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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