Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
