So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
