She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
as a side note pls kill me
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
