Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
