Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
