Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
