I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
