nut hugger
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
