i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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