my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
