Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Randomize
