one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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