Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
