dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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