The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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