I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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