just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
