i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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