someone threw a dead crab at me
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
They are going to name an STD after you.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize