you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
