Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
