my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
