I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
