Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
