She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
