i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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