Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
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We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
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I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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