my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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