matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i dont even know how to be here
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
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