I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
