omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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