It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
