I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
