Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
