I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You need a sexual gate keeper
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
