His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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