Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
