Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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