He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
