Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
