I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
