When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
