Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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