So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
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