My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
