i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
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Why is there bacon braided in my hair
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
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I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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